as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
