we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
