Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I hate all girls vehemently.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
