In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
id be glad to
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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