i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
