I looked at my own cervix.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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