That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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