Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I looked at my own cervix.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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