Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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