I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
