I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
