Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
