i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
