So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
