ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You pole danced in your parka.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
