I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
