you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
