theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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