His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
