She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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