dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
