Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
