I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
NoShamevember. You game?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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