yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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