two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
