You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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