That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
