There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
