I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
