where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
