He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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