who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
