i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
