if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
