I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Rumble strips road head = magical
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
