theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
