I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
