Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
