I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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