I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
