Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Randomize
