I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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