I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
as a side note pls kill me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
