i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
