Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
