We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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