The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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