Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
