I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
