i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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