Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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